Every morning I walk to the train station. Never to actually take a train, no, but I go to watch suited self-important people get mangled by closing train doors. It's a delightful way to start any day. On the way there, I often encounter the myriad sights, sounds, and smells that New York has to offer. The sight of brown-skin women pushing strollers of pasty white babies, the sound of souls being crushed by corporate jobs, the smell of exhaust and refuse emanating from sanitation trucks. It's pure sensory bliss. And it goes great with coffee.
Today on my morning walk to the train station, I came across a middle aged woman (but not a Middle Ages woman; that would be so much more impressive) who came a across a tight-jeaned fellow walking his miniature dog--a doglet, if you will. She stopped and exclaimed to the entire block what an adorable doglet it was. She then got down on both knees and proceeded to stroke his back (the doglet's back, not the tight-jeaned fellow's). "She needs friends," my inner monologue said. And then, suddenly, in a hideous display of affection, she started making out with the canine, tongue and all.
"What a great way to start a day!" she said to anyone listening. Apparently, the best part of waking up isn't Folgers in your cup, but rather doglet tonguelet in your mouth.
It was like a combination between watching your parents make out and sitting through a PETA video of a pig slaughter. That's just not right. I'm all for interracial love, but I'm sorry, I'm still closed minded when it comes to inter-species spit-swapping face-sucking sessions. And yet she was taking so much joy out of her moment of bestiality foreplay. That may have even been the most upsetting part because really, what is worse than witnessing another person's happiness? Can I get some schaudenfraude up in here?
In utter disgust, I kept walking, my right hand cupping the side of my face to serve as temporary blinders from the show. But then, as I approached the stairwell to the train station, a pigeon took a huge dump on my chest. Cleveland steamer? Really? Damn, these animals are getting kinky.
